


Effortless

by missmister128



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, POV Second Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 08:18:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16114487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmister128/pseuds/missmister128
Summary: “She fell asleep in record’s time. You can’t help but steal small glances at her – ok, maybe you’re full on staring at this point. But the movie is dumb, and she looks so peaceful that your eyes are inevitably drawn to her.”orFive times Casey wants to kiss Izzie, and one time she does





	Effortless

**1.**

You’re glad for the interruption, really. You still hate Elsa with every fiber of your being, but she stopped you from making a terrible mistake. You still can’t believe that you almost kissed your best friend. One moment you’re trying not to burst from happiness because she’s back in your life and everything feels right again, and the other you’re closing your eyes and leaning in. It took you by surprise. This urge to be close to her.

So, you do the only thing you can think of, crack a lame joke and quickly exit your room. You go instantly to Evan and kiss him hard. Because the words ‘my girl’ are still ringing in your ears and your forehead is still tingly from her touch. Everything in your body is buzzing with her, so you embrace your boyfriend and replace the ghost of a kiss by the feeling of his slightly chapped lips.

 

You cannot shake that feeling of guilt from the whole evening. But more importantly, you’re terrified. You just got her back, and this – whatever _this_ is – puts your whole friendship in jeopardy. So, you try to stay away as much as you can. You pretend to be stuck with family stuff and raincheck on your usual hangouts.

And because the universe is a bitch and clearly hates people trying to do the right thing, it backfires. It makes you constantly miss her. She effortlessly became a constant in your life and at this point, staying away hurts more than seeing her. Everything in your life screams Izzie, from the jacket she left in your room at your birthday, to Edison sitting quietly in his aquarium.

 

So, you decide to girl the hell up, and shove this… _almost something_ far away in your memory. How hard can it be to just pick things off where you left off?

 

 

**2.**

Really hard apparently.

You always prided yourself in being an honest person – not like your mother. You’re either faithful or a cheating scumbag. There are some areas where no shade of grey can exist, and you cannot half cheat on someone. So, what almost happened in your room was just a spur of the moment thing. It caught you by surprise and didn’t mean anything.

But you’re not sure how to define your current situation.

You don’t know who interlace your fingers first, but her hand feels so soft in yours and you can’t bring yourself to pull away. You feel selfish, but this feels so natural. Like two pieces of a puzzle finally fitting.

You can’t look at her. You’re afraid of what you would see, the longing that must be painted on your face as well. The air is charged with everything you are not saying. Things like _‘I don’t want to lose you’_ and _‘I feel like I’ve known you forever’_. You cannot deny whatever is happening between the two of you anymore. 

But with this admission comes a crushing realization. You feel dread sipping in your body, steeling your spine and settling heavy in your throat.

“I love him”. 

You feel obligated to say it. Because it’s the truth, and you’re holding _her_ hand, and everything is such a mess. It’s not even about the fact that Izzie is a girl, that’s not the hard part. It’s just that everything right now feels so right. She answers you that she knows, of course. There’s this mutual understanding between the two of you, ever since you got drunk out of that cheap vodka bottle. The fact that she understands makes it even harder.

Your mind just circles back to Evan. He’s adorable and sweet and everything you could ever have dreamed of a boyfriend. But, you and Izzie seem to exist on the same wavelength. She seems inevitable and it _scares_ you.

Reality comes crashing down with a phone call. Your thumb hovers your phone, but you can’t answer. You just want to stay in this bubble, four towns over and a melted cotton candy Slurpee on your lap. Just a second longer.

 

 

**3.**

You arrive to your house twenty minutes late because you still take the road avoiding Nick’s bar ever since you saw him with Elsa. It’s silly really, but it hurts too much, and you hate your mother for destroying your whole family like that.

When you park, you can see Izzie through the window. She has her back to you and speaks animatedly with her hands and her whole body seems to vibrate even from where you’re standing. Sam is beside her, holding a picture of his adopted penguin. It makes your heart swell, seeing them getting along together even when you’re not there. You still haven’t moved from the driver’s seat, engrossed by the scene playing in front of you. You just want to go into that room, sneak up behind her, wrap her in your arms and put your head on her shoulder.

You must have made a move to alert them, because suddenly she is turning and looking straight at you, a shy smile on her lips. Your heart constricts at the sight. The gravity of your situation catches you, and suddenly everything is too much.

 

You do the only possible thing. Turn the keys back into ignition and leave without looking over your shoulder. (If you did, you would have seen the crestfallen look on Izzie’s face).

 

Five blocks over, you send her a bullshit apology text about Sharice having an emergency and turn your cellphone off.

You feel trapped and your mind can’t seem to be able to process anything, so you continue driving.

 

At some point, you make it back to your house. You sit on the porch, unable to reenter reality.

Your father is the one finding you when everyone else is already asleep. Everything spills out of your mouth before you can even think about it. Your mom – _Elsa_ , you quickly correct – has been focused on Sam since his diagnosis, so it has always been the two of you. And are so alike, it just makes sense to talk to him about that kind of things.

You thought you’d be relieved to talk about the giant mess you’re in, but it really makes everything worse because suddenly it all feels _real_. You end up choking on your words.

“It’s alright kiddo, take a deep breath”. You feel your dad strong arm around your shoulder and your heart is not feeling as heavy as before.

“I just… can’t shake the feeling of being a horrible person. Of doing to Evan the same thing she did to you”, you admit quietly. You’re tired and you just want this confusion to stop.

 “Look at me. You are nothing like your mother Casey. The situation is completely different here.” He sighs and it’s obvious the subject is still tender, and you hate yourself for bringing it up, but it’s been slowly eating you up since your birthday and you need to know. “She knew exactly what she got herself into and the consequences of her actions. That affected all of us. But your mother and I, we are dealing with it. It’s not your burden to carry”.

“From what you told me, you are simply growing and discovering another side of you. Don’t blame yourself for something you have no control over. It is not selfish to listen to your desires and to want things for yourself. And making yourself miserable won’t make things easier. For anyone, trust me”.

He squeezes your shoulder a bit, trying to reassure you other than with his words. “Honestly, the simple fact that you’re here with me having this conversation shows that you’re not a bad person. All I’m hearing here is Evan this and Izzie that. But, what do _you_ want kiddo?”

 

 

 

**4.**

You are reaching the end of the lake, so you push yourself harder because it’s almost the end of the trail and you are not as exhausted as you would like to be.

Running comes effortlessly to you. Maybe it’s the simplicity of your feet hitting the pavement or the exhilarating freedom it gives you, but it just makes sense. The crisp air biting your cheeks, the burning in your lungs and the soreness of your muscles afterwards. Your head is slowly getting clearer with each step, and you find yourself finally breathing clearly since that forehead promise. A smile forces its way on your face and you think that maybe, things are going to be ok. 

 

That is, until your teammates finish their last lap as well. Sure, you started to hang out with Izzie again a while ago, but sometimes her presence still catches you off guard – like it does right now. She is still a bit breathless from practice, you can tell by the puffs of white air leaving her mouth. There are droplets of sweet on her brow slowly running on her face and she tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. _Fuck_.

It feels like a punch to the guts really, and before you can blink, you imagine yourself running your hand on her jaw and placing back her hair yourself. You feel something tugging in your stomach and take a large gulp of water because your mouth is suddenly dry. But you’re pretty sure that this vision is forever burned in the back of your eyelids.

\----

You break things off with Evan that night. It is not fair to him when all you can think lately – or rather _who_ you think of, is not him. He deserves to have someone daydreaming about him all day. Evan was your very first kiss, your first _‘I love you’_ and so many other firsts that it hurts to say goodbye to him. It breaks your heart that from now on, he’s also your first ex.

You cry so much it seems that he’s the one leaving you. But you feel terrible because he did nothing wrong, and he’s important to you and you love him, you really do. But you feel like a hypocrite by calling him your boyfriend and you want to be honest. You’d rather end things now rather than pushing it too far and make something you would regret. You would hate yourself for making him feel like he was not enough. You saw that look on your father’s face and you promised yourself to never destroy someone like that. That at least, you have control over.

He hugs you and try to reassure you that you’re not losing all of him, just his amazing body and his sister’s baking skills. Even in the midst of breaking up, he stills make you laugh, and that doesn’t make it easier, except that it kinda does. 

You owe him an explanation and you try your best to give it to him, but you’re not sure it makes sense. In the end, it’s just that he doesn’t _get_ you the way she does. You feel like you’ve known Izzie since kindergarten because everything feels familiar with her. Like you don’t have to try or put some kind of show. You can just _be_ , with her. You can act irresponsibly and get drunk out of a cheap vodka bottle in your fancy school where the two of you just don’t quite fit in. 

He tells you that he gets it. “In hindsight, I should probably have seen it coming. You said you loved her after two weeks of knowing her.” He tries to pass it as a joke, but you can still hear the hurt in his voice. Because holy shit, you _do_ love her. And the confession fell out of your mouth without you even realizing it.

 

 

**5.**

Of course, she falls asleep within twenty minutes of the movie playing. Not that you paid much attention to the stupid horror movie you’re both watching in your room, but still.

You sent her a text earlier saying you were recently single, and next thing you now she’s on your porch carrying a bunch of ice cream boxes. “Because that’s what you do when you break up Newton, duh”.

You don’t really talk about it or about Evan at all. There’s an unspoken agreement that it has to do with whatever you guys are, and just because you are single doesn’t mean you are ready to start addressing these feelings. So, you both end up sprawled on your bed, bantering like any other day.

“Really Iz, licorice ice cream? You’re such a weirdo.” She answers by hitting your shoulder, but there’s no real bite in her punch.

“Shut up Newton, you took vanilla, that’s like the most boring flavor ever”.

“Not if you put marshmallows, chocolate syrup and whipped cream on top, dude.”

“With everything that you eat, it’s a wonder you look this good.” The comment takes you off guard, and Izzie’s slightly shocked face tells you it did the same to her. You know you’re blushing, you can feel it but try to play it cool and mask your embarrassment by looking very intently at your ice cream bowl.

“Hey, you’re the one that brought all of these. Now quiet, I want to see the moment where the girl abandons her friends and get herself killed”.   

\----

So yeah, she fell asleep in record’s time. You can’t help but stealing small glances at her – ok, maybe you’re full on staring at this point. But the movie is dumb, and she looks so peaceful that your eyes are inevitably drawn to her. She just looks so at ease in your room, like she belongs here. Her usually tense shoulders are relaxed against you comforter and you never saw her this calm. She’s usually a ball of energy, running, talking and just existing vibrantly, such a contrast to the Izzie in front of you. You feel privileged in a way, that she trusts you enough to let her guard down with you. And it should be weird to see her fit in your space and your life so well, but it just feels natural. She took so much importance in your life in a few months, it’s scary at this point.

But tonight, you’re tired of double-checking all your thoughts when it comes to her, so you let go. Just for a little while. You close your laptop shut, not even bothering to pause the movie and slip under the covers. You feel warm and it has nothing to do with the weather outside. You swallow the bubble of anxiety rushing in your throat and roll on your side, facing Izzie. It takes you a minute to force your breathing back to normal, because the last time you were this close, you two almost kissed. The thought still frightens you, but the crushing guilt of possibly cheating on your boyfriend is not sitting heavy on your chest. You get caught up in that memory, in the softness of her forehead against yours, the warmth of her breath on your lips… You feel dizzy with a sensation you cannot pinpoint. It’s as is all your body is tingling, and suddenly you want to know what would have happened, had your mother not burst into your room. You’re curious about the softness of her lips against yours and about the sound she could have made.

Your heart feels too small for your ribcage and you’re forced to close your eyes to avoid looking at your friend’s lips like a creep. Except that you can still see them with your eyes closed.

Yup, you’re definitively screwed.

 

 

 

**+1.**

You feel warm and content. Your eyelids are still heavy with sleep and you just want to lie there all day just to experience this feeling of bliss. You feel Izzie stirring next to you and the weight on the mattress shifts as if she was going to get up. You reach blindly on your left side to keep her here with you.

“Stay.” You probably sound needy, but you stopped caring about it. So, what if you crave her presence? You’re tired of denying yourself the things you want.

“I mean, only if you want to” you quickly add. Because you don’t want to impose anything on your best friend – second best friend if Sharice ask.

“Missing me already Newton?” she asks teasingly, with a voice still scratchy from sleep that send shivers along your spine.

“I just want to be warm.” You cuddle a little bit closer to her to prove your point. You hear her breath hitching and your eyes are now wide open. The air feels suddenly charged.

You sit up straighter on your mattress, studying her face and the way she bites her lip without looking at you. You know she won’t do anything for fear of making you uncomfortable, so you decide to just follow your instincts. You inch a little bit closer, just for your calves to brush.

You kiss her on the cheek.

Carefully, as if she’s made of glass but still with intent. You want her to feel that you have no doubt about this. Your lips dip lower and you brush the corner of her mouth. You pause just above her lips, needing confirmation that she wants this as much as you do. Your heart is pounding, way faster than when you run, even faster than when you broke that record and you honestly don’t know what you’ll do if you misread the situation.  

You feel a finger lifting your chin, and all you can see are Izzie’s bright eyes, until they shut close as she closes the gap between your lips.

Everything is blank for a moment. It’s as if your body shut down and then soared back to life. You can feel everything with a decupled intensity. Her body pressing slightly into yours, the soft caress of her hand on your cheek, the way her lips part just a little for her to sigh in your mouth. It’s soft and gentle and feels oh so natural. You pull her closer, needing more of her. She’s now straddling your lap, as you embrace her with your arms. Your hands find the nape of her neck and you bury them in her soft hair.

It’s weird because it feels normal. Like if this was your hundredth kiss instead of your first one. And you don’t have to think about what to do next or where to put your hands or anything, because your body just _acts_ and fits perfectly with Izzie’s.

You pull back after a while, needing to breath. Your foreheads stay pressed together, because you need to stay connected to her as much as you possibly can.

“Let’s forehead promise to do that again please” Izzie whispers and she sounds so happy it makes your heart swell in your chest.

You smile and quickly fulfill her wish.


End file.
